I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
