Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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