In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
