cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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