Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
