Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
