apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
