Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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