I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
