If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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