Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
