the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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