i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
