made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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