i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
