a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
