I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
His nipple licking is glorious
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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