Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
