My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
