like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
