Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just invented taco cereal.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
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Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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