Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fuck appropriateness.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
