I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
