TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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