I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
