I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
