I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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