Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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