What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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