so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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