i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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