1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you would pick up someone in the library
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Pants are for mortals
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
