wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
