I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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