I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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