I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
