Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
