woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
