I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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