Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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