I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
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I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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