Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
