Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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