Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
