i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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