I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
