My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
