I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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