her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
