No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
