Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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