just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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