also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
