I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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