Well douche your snatch and let's go!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
