I murdered the dance floor call the cops
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
