I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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