omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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