Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
