Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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