If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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