so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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