Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize