Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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