so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
