I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
